I haven't written anything for ages and I know some of you are wondering what's happening. Well winter is. And with winter comes illnesses. So first my bonusson came down with a fever and cough, then my husband and a few days later both girls and two days later, me too. Hate it! I have been so careful, even got into a row with my husband over the fact that I wanted him and my bonusson on the first floor and the girls and myself downstairs to not mix all bacteria. My mum came over for the weekend and helped out with the girls. She was even all alone with them one day, when I had a training course with my work. And she managed really well! There are only a few people I trust being alone with the girls for a whole day and my mum is definitely one of them. Next to my husband and myself. Ok, so that weren't many. Anyhow, we coped with sick girls and me having a fever the whole weekend and last week. This week it's a bit better - at least the girls are better. Now my mum has it and I'm still ill with fever coming and going. So I haven't really had the energy to update. Antonia has been super-clingy the past few days. I can't go anywhere without her getting a minor breakdown. Not even the kitchen. So I am quite locked right now.
I went to a new curator today and apparently she trained in solution-focussed-counselling (KBT in Swedish), which is a therapy form where you get tools to work with, instead of 'only' talking. I know my sorrow will always be there, but I need tools to cope and live with it. Recently I have developed anxieties and feel the need for over-controlling and need to focus more on things that should come naturally. Like driving my car for example. I've had my license for 20 years now and I know how to drive. But recently I feel the need to focus on every step I take. Have I done all the things I have to do when driving out of a parking space? Checked the rear mirror? Double checked? Triple checked? I have a constant fear of doing things wrong. I always felt like a strong-minded independent woman and now I am unsure about everything and at the same time fighting like a lioness for my children, monitoring danger constantly. My stress level is high. The hormones in my body are working full speed and after 9 months of hardly sleeping more than 3-4 hours max in one go, my body is on maximum stress level. Normally you'd probably be diagnosed with burn-out. But what to do instead? A Diagnose wouldn't help. Going to work helps me. Even though actually driving to work might be a bit stressful, I try to occupy myself with listening to eBooks or talking on the phone. Being at work, everyday work achievements, reaching goals, being a worker and not a mother who lost her daughter, helps me. But then after a work day, I am extremely tired again. Anyway, I liked my new curator. She felt genuine and like we could work well together. So I'll try. I want to get rid of all those bad habits. I want to be a happy mum. I don't want to be a 'shadow hanging over my shoulder' mum.
