Zofees

Last night I had all those pictures popping up in my head. Moments in hospital. All those horrible memories from start until the end. My little strong girl connected to countless machines. My little little baby inside that huge x-ray machine and seeing the outcome on the screen. The moment I realised my hopes and prayers weren't going to be heard and the night my girl died. The moment at 7 pm, when Alice started reacting strangely and I later heard that was when Clara had a hard time trying to stay alive. 

I have a feeling of insufficience of not having been able to give my girl the security she needed to not get that bug. I know it's irrational. It's not my fault. 

We got the papers from the authorities and insurance a while ago and they obviously hadn't done their job, hadn't got to the bottom to what had happened - they only listened to the hospital and their wrong report. They even state it was probably something she got from me. Although that is proven wrong. All this makes me feel more and more like a failure and at the same time makes me so sad and I can't cope with it. We have filed a complaint, but my hopes are zero. Why should they make an effort. 

Loads of people went on the streets last weekend to protest against the situation around childbirth and healthcare in the hospitals. Women can't chose the hospital where they want to give birth. There aren't enough doctors, nurses or midwives; not enough rooms; no time. They are closing down sections of hospitals and women need to travel far to be able to give birth. I know several families who had to give birth in completely different cities, although they live in Stockholm, Malmö or Gothenburg. They even had to travel to Denmark or Finland. How can you not see we have a huge problem in Sweden? 

Back to me. I don't really know how to get out of this current state of mind. I feel Clara's little hand grasping my thumb when they took the initial tests, feeling her pain and anxiety. Those moments changed me.