Happy?
A colleague at work asked me today how I felt and that she and another colleague had discussed that I seemed happy and always smiling etc. Sorry for the confusion, but that is just my huge wall around me. My ever smiling face and my trying to be positive, have always been my wall. My shields. Lately they've been tumbling down. That is why I looked for a new curator. Because I need them to survive. I need them to hold the worst away from me.
I honestly feel quite bad. Never felt this bad before. The girls 10 month anniversary is coming up and it is such a tough day. I might be smiling on the outside, but the inside isn't.
But sometimes I smile from the inside: like in the morning, when I wake up to chitchatting from the crib. When I sneak to the girls bed, pop my head up from the side and see those two faces light up with love, happiness and laughter. When I put my head between them and take a deep breath of morning baby. Mmmm...
