One year has passed. The girls have had their first birthday and on the night from Sunday to Monday it is one year since Clara's death. A year ago, we realised we had to get her christened in hospital. We took the decision to close down her machines. One year has passed without my precious daughter and I've thought about her every single day. I keep talking to her and I keep imagining what she would look like. Maybe like Alice or maybe like Antonia or maybe like none of them, but like herself. I should have stayed away from home, stayed 'on holiday' to not be in my usual surroundings. But I thought I can't run away from my grief. My therapist told me this week that I should have. Of course I can 'run away', if that's what I want to call it. She'd call it protecting myself and not thinking of 'what's proper to do' etc. There is no right or wrong in grief and on has to handle it the way one can. Well I can't. Obviously. I will handle it differently next year. Take the girls and go on holiday. You only live once.
My husband, the girls and I went to Clara's grave together for the first time since the funeral last Monday. It was a sunny day, the girls were wearing matching white dresses with flowers and they've started crawling around and examining their surroundings. For the first time ever, that moment at the grave was a light one. The girls were chitchattng, fingering the big leaves of the flowers on the grave, crawling around on the grass - filling the air with their joy for life. I will never go there without them from now on. They are my strength. Even if this past year has been tough on so many levels, I survive and I do okay because of them. My girls.
One year. How quickly it has passed. And how proud I am of my girls. It makes me so happy to see them interacting with each other. And how they turn to each other for support. At lunchtime, Alice checks if Antonia eats what I serve, before she dares to take a bite. And when they got their first dolls for their birthday and Antonia got really scared of them, she hid behind Alice (who wasn't scared) and let her go first in touching the doll. Peeking over Alice's shoulder and squeaking. It was hilarious to watch! But at the same time this taking care of each other and having ones back, makes me so happy. They've got a connection no one can take away from them.
This morning I showed them pictures of their first month together. Both were very interested and kept touching the pictures on the poster I had made for their room. This will be a thing I'll do regularly- show them pictures of all three, telling the story and making them feel they are a trinity, even though Clara is somewhere else. Somewhere over the rainbow.
