Emotions
Emotion, feeling. Happiness, sorrow. Mood. I've been wearing all my emotions on the outside like a cardigan the past weeks. I have been crying (in the evenings, when the girls are asleep), I have been laughing (when the girls are awake) and I've felt all the love I thought couldn't get any bigger, grow immensely. At night when I sleep in the girls room - yes, still here... I feel a love, you can't describe bubbling up and making the butterflies in your tummy go bananas. These girls make my world go round and are my lifeline.
I had my doctors appointment. I am physically in good shape - regarding the circumstances and that I have been veeeery pregnant. So nothing has been damaged inside of me. Which is great. And quite unbelievable. Nature is fantastic! But of course it has taken its toll on my body and I have no muscles left and my back -- well my back. It seems I have a kind of Quasimodo:ish backproblem. So no wonder my back hurts as if I am a hundred years old and have been carrying rocks all life. I am getting some physiotherapy now to get rid of the pain. It's worse with the inside. Which I apparently wear on the outside right now. I started to cry as I told our story. Last time this doctor had seen me, was when I was very pregnant. I don't like showing my tears. I usually have a fake smile and try not to show what I feel. I even smile as I tell the story. I know that is weird. But I just don't want everyone to see ME. Everyone can see the me I choose to show, but no one should see the MEME. I know this sounds weirder, as you are all reading my thoughts, but that is okay in a strange way, as long as you don't see me. Well, back to the doctor. He said it was good and natural that I cry and show feelings. He'd been working with psychopaths and murderers who hadn't even raised an eyebrow as they told the details of their stories. I am not sure how I was supposed to react to that, but I got an okay to find myself a psychologist to talk to. I just need to find one. Asked in the group on Facebook where we who have lost a twin or triplet are gathered, as we all share the sorrow and need to get on with our lives. Got some names in the Stockholm region. Will check and then I need YOU to remind me of making that first appointment. Because everything and everyone else will get in between me and that phone call. I am hopeless in taking care of myself.
On the bright side, the girls had their uncle -my brother- over for a few days visit. He is really great with the girls and it showed they missed him when he left. My mum is on her way here next weekend. Also needed.
The girls are great. They have now reached the age where you can interact with them and where they start games like peek a boo etc. Antonia especially! She did it all lunch. And then we both start laughing and can't stop.
