Deep sea

Until now, I've had my sadness and sorrow tucked away deep down inside of me. Like the deepest point in the sea. But somehow a current made it bubble up and the sadness is very close to the surface and also shows itself from time to time. I feel unfocused and can't control my emotions and what I say. Strange feeling for someone with an extensive need to control everything. The check ups at the doctors office make it so visible: two healthy girls grow and develop, while one girl doesn't. I just don't know how to handle it this time. I feel pride for Alice & Antonia. They are fantastic little girls and their little sounds at night or the fact they hold each other's hands during the night, makes my heart skip a beat. Overwhelmed and overjoyed. 

And at the same time, Clara is so close and with me all the time. Sometimes I even feel envy, when I see pictures of other triplets. I know this is normal, but I feel bad nevertheless. I don't want to have these sad and bad feelings inside of me. I was on a job conference the other day and it became so visible to myself how unfocused and blurry my mindset is. I didn't do as well as I usually do. I wasn't socialising the way I usually do. I wasn't being creative and forward thinking - I felt numb and tired. I know, and my husband tells me so too, that I put pressure on myself which I shouldn't. But I have an internal standard which I can't live up to right now. And that adds to feeling bad. I am looking forward to having the girls to myself today, as my husband has a job thing today. I long for cuddles, laughs and not needing to think. I haven't had the mindset and focus to crochet this week - which is rare! I have played candy crush on my phone. Just stupid matching fruits again and again. Trying to not think. Just stupid games. 
I liked the deep sea feeling more than the waves crashing into the banks of sand, sometimes flooding the whole beach and sometimes only moving the sadness back and forth. 


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