Zofees

Sometimes when you are really low, you ask yourself how you'll survive, how life can go on and what to do to make it feel 'better'. I borrowed a book on PTSD - post traumatic stress syndrome from the library and it explains the phases you go through after a bad experience, like loosing someone you love or other traumatic experiences. I can recognise myself and my actions (good or bad). Although I 'work' on the outside, my inside is a big mess. Hard to explain, but the book gave me some leads on how it feels and what you are going through, if you have PTSD. Of course I am no psychologist and have no degree whatsoever regarding these kind of issues, but it wouldn't be that far fetched that the events have given me some kind of stress syndrome. At first giving birth to three babies, the physical pain afterwards and then the following nightmare with all its consequences.  And on top of that the fear for my husband when he got ill and we thought he was close to moving in with Clara. It hasn't been the best year of my life. And at the same time it has been the best year. Being with my girls has been the best medicine and the absolute greatest accomplishment of my life. Their laughter and great sense of humour have made me survive and embrace life again. They need me and I need them. They are the most precious gift and I promise to never let them down. All those sleepless nights are nothing to what I get in return - although I'd love to sleep through soon... but regarding the letting down part - I need to take care of myself to be able to not let them down. I just need to figure out how. The past two years have made me look older and given me both grey hair and wrinkles. And even if my figure is close to where I started off before the pregnancy, I don't like myself or my looks right now. I feel dull, grey, old and worn. Without makeup it's even worse. I'd need a makeover by a pro. Not only on the outside, but also an internal boost, building up my confidence and my personality again.