Sadness
I don't know why, but today my sadness has come to the surface, more than ever. Maybe it was the stress that made it rise. We had a family gathering today for my husbands birthday. And you all know how much that needs to be prepared before having 15 people over. Food needs to be made, cakes baked, rooms need to be cleaned, girls need to be fed and dressed and I need to squeeze in a quick makeover too. I want everything to be perfect. I want everyone to have a good time. And of course it makes me go crazy when my plans are crossed and things the kids bring down from their rooms into the living room, make me start all over again cleaning up. It messes up my timing completely. The girls timing got messed up too and their sleeping phase didn't work at all due to all the sounds. So they were unhappy and unsettled. I spent one hour of our party trying to soothe and calm them in the bedroom. Guess that is what mums do at parties! It was hard to get them fall asleep at night too. It needed a bath and 2 1/2 hours of singing lullabies, feeding and laying my hands on their heads, for them both to calm down and fall asleep.
I get all stressed and messed up inside and feel like I am a total looser when it comes to both being a hostess and a good mother. Of course I also know it isn't true, but still. This stress and the sadness which it results in, is the reason why I just can't think of the christening. I'd be a wreck within minutes. At the same time I want my girls to be christened asap. I have been thinking a lot about Clara and I imagine how life would be with her. I am close to tears constantly and although I am extremely tired (I fell asleep when putting the girls to bed), I am lying awake - tossing and turning - not finding comfort in sleep. I know I need to catch an hour before they wake up again. But I can't seem to calm myself down. The dog is also awake and he senses my state of mind and is active.
