Zofees

Life isn't great right now and at the same time life is fantastic. But it is only fantastic when I have a warm laughing baby in my arms. The days are filled with baby stuff and I really feel I need some inspiration on how to fill the days. Give me some ideas! The girls are starting to explore each other and Antonia keeps scratching Alice with her fingernails - although I try to keep them short, but they grow so fast! Antonia also hits Alice, not intentionally, but it happens anyway and Alice gets angry. So it is better to keep them a bit seperated when they are in the babygym. They both want to sit and stand and both are getting more and more confident and good at it. I'm a proud mum! They turned 6 months yesterday. Both a sad and happy day. I've been thinking so much of Clara these past days. I know how she would have looked like, as Alice is her identical twin. And I somehow also know how she would be, how she would react in different situations and what her personality would be like. I miss her so much. I did some of the paperwork today for the authorities. My hand shakes, while I write the words into the forms. At the same time I am filled with the knowledge this is what has to be done and I am doing the right thing. But reading the documents and needing to put what has happened down in my own words and to ask those questions, isn't easy. It tears my heart apart to not be able to turn back time. I'd give everything to change the events. I am starting to develop strange anxieties and don't feel as strong in mind and body, as I used to. I long for that to come back too. Now I have a constant tummy ache - you know the kind that comes with the feeling of having done something wrong. I am suddenly afraid of taking the dog out for a walk in the dark. As I live quite far north, it is basically constantly dark here during winter. I can't handle to many close people (like family or friends) at once around me. I am scared of saying stupid things on these occasions. Not everyone wants or needs to talk about Clara or the procedures I am currently dealing with. I feel like I'm some kind of alien. We had invited the neighbours over for tonight, but I couldn't do it. So we backed. Feel bad about it too.
Talking of mind and body. Some girls on Instagram were discussing their postpartum bodies after twins and triplets. I was thinking of how I feel every day and it is a strange feeling of shame. I am ashamed of my body. And at the same time I am still so proud of it, for having carried triplets without huge problems. I don't have any stretch marks, but I still have a tummy and wide hips. My body shaming doesn't get better by people asking me about working out, asking me why I still have a tummy, and I feel horrible. I am still in pain. I go out for a walk every day. I carry my babies, I throw them up in the air and play with them, I move around. The evenings are filled with pain, but it's okay, as I do it for my babies. To hear them laugh and to comfort them. People saw me as a wonder when I was pregnant carrying three babies and still going strong and now they see me as a wreck. That doesn't exactly give you the right mindset to be proud of yourself. No, you see your 'mummy tummy' and pick a wide tshirt. You think you are hiding everything and at the same time you know you only look bigger. You try on those pre preggo pants and get frustrated - if you can close the button, you will be in pain within 1 hour, as they aren't made for cesarion postpartum women. So back to your leggings and maternity pants. I feel ashamed instead of proud. I would love to get some of my confidence back. Maybe I should apply to those make-over programs on the telly. They seem to be a confidence boost. Or maybe I should just throw all my clothes away and start all over again. New sizes, new feeling, new me.
Of course this will never happen and I'll keep on hiding in big clothes at home.
At least I have sweet babies!! 😉